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Day 3 – How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you? 

When I knew what?  I suppose the question is when I knew that I was queer.  I don’t know that there really was a day that I can point to and say “that’s when I knew.”  Hell, for me the only thing I can say that I truly “Know” is that I’m queer, but my exact place in that is still difficult to pin down. When I first really became conscious of myself as a sexual being was when I was 14, the summer before I started High School. That was when I “discovered” masturbation. I wasn’t actually interested in having sex with anyone other than myself at that point.  While I did have erotic fantasies involving other people back then, I wasn’t actually interested in having sex with another person until I was about 17.

I honestly don’t remember what the ratio of those fantasies were, as far as whether they featured male or female partners, but I do know that there were both, and there were more men.  I don’t know that I truly understood being “gay” as a real thing until I was 17, and went online.  That was when I was jumping around in different chat rooms online (remember those?) on a website called WBS.  I stumbled into a room called “Guy Chat.” I asked if it was a room of guys talking, or of girls talking about guys.  I got a Private Message from someone telling me that they were guys, but they definitely weren’t talking about girls.  And suddenly a whole new world opened up for me.

I dodged a few reckless decisions back then.  I made arrangements I think once or twice to meet someone from the chat room in person but flaked out.  Which was probably for the best considering I was underage, and I don’t even remember how old those particular guys were.  It wasn’t until a couple of days after my 18th birthday that I had any kind of sex with another person for the first time.  That amounted to getting a blowjob from a random stranger in the back room of an adult bookstore.  I always think it’s funny when people go on about how your first time should be special.  I honestly wanted to get it the hell over with.  But after that I definitely knew that I liked having sex with men.

As far as when I knew I was poly, I had sort of decided that I was poly within the first year or two of my going to the Between the Worlds gathering.  They have always had a pretty decent number of nonmonogamous people there, and once I realized that there was this other option than monogamy, I mostly thought that made so much more sense.  But I would say that the day I truly *knew* that I was poly was a few years later, after I had gotten together with Matt, and we were at BtW together.  He was totally infatuated with Luno that year, and I experienced compersion for the first time.  Once I felt that, I knew that I was definitely poly.

#30daysofpride

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